singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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