I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
