I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
