i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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