i love accidental penises.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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