I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
