I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
