May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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