Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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