I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
