I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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