Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You took a bar mat shot.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
