he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
