I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
