Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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