Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
