We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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