i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
