Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
