Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
