I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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