A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
