I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
