I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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