Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
