i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
