I faked an abortion last night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
