I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
