Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
