I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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