So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
