3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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