I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
