I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
