God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
This is my gift to your gina
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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