Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
