Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
