Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
