I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
