Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
