my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
