Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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