3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize