here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
