I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
