I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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