Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
