Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i think i just lost a toe
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
