do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
