Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
