whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
