My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
