Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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