needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
