How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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