i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
