we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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