I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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