She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Princesses don't give blow jobs
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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