Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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