So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
