this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
