We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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