this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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