I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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