Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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