Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
