Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
